First Messages That Actually Get Replies

🔄 Quick Recall: Last lesson, you built a profile using the 5-6 photo strategy and the 70/30 bio rule. Now your profile is out there and you’re getting matches. Time to send that first message.

The Message Graveyard

Somewhere in the digital ether, there’s a graveyard of messages that never got replied to. Millions of them. “Hey.” “What’s up?” “You’re cute.” “Hi there, I noticed your profile and thought we might have some things in common.”

They’re not bad messages, technically. They’re just… nothing. They don’t give the other person a reason to respond. They’re the equivalent of walking up to someone at a party and saying “Hello” and then staring at them in silence.

Let’s fix that.

What the Data Actually Says

An analysis of 50 million dating app messages identified three psychological traits that top-performing openers share. These aren’t opinions. They’re patterns from actual data:

1. Cognitive Ease — The message is effortless to process. No brain gymnastics required to understand what you’re saying or how to respond.

2. Low Commitment — The response doesn’t require emotional risk. Answering doesn’t feel like signing a contract. It’s easy to reply casually.

3. Implicit Reciprocity — The message creates a subtle social pull to respond. It asks something, shares something, or references something that makes ignoring it feel slightly rude.

Messages with all three traits generated 340% more replies than average openers.

✅ Quick Check: What are the three psychological traits of top-performing first messages? (Cognitive ease — easy to process. Low commitment — low-risk to reply. Implicit reciprocity — creates a subtle pull to respond.)

The “You Mention” Effect

One of the most powerful findings in dating message research: including “you mention” in your first message raises the response rate by 50%.

Why? Because it proves you read their profile. Most people don’t. Most people skim a photo, swipe right, and send a generic opener. When you reference something specific they wrote, you stand out immediately.

Other high-performing phrases (over 40% reply rate):

• “curious what…”
• “your name…”
• “noticed that…”
• “good taste…”

All of these signal one thing: I paid attention to you specifically.

The Anatomy of a Great First Message

Let’s break down what works using the framework:

The Profile Reference

Pull something from their bio or photos and build on it.

“You mention you’re learning to surf — how’s that going? I tried once and the ocean won decisively.”

Why this works: Specific (surfing from their profile), easy to respond to (just tell me how it’s going), and a touch of self-deprecating humor that feels warm.

The Genuine Curiosity

Ask about something that you’re actually interested in learning about.

“I’m curious what got you into pottery. Is it as relaxing as people say or secretly frustrating?”

Why this works: Shows real interest, easy question to answer, and gives them room to share something they care about.

The Shared Ground

Find a connection point and start from there.

“Good taste in music — I saw [band name] last year and it was one of the best shows I’ve been to.”

Why this works: Establishes common ground immediately, shares a personal detail, and invites them to share their own experience.

The Playful Observation

Notice something in their photos and riff on it.

“Your dog looks like he runs the house. Am I wrong?”

Why this works: Light, fun, easy to respond to (“you’re absolutely right, he does”), and shows you looked at more than just their first photo.

The Length Sweet Spot

OkCupid’s data is clear: 40-90 characters is the sweet spot for first messages. That’s roughly one to two sentences.

• Too short (“hey”): Zero effort, zero personality, gives nothing to respond to
• Too long (full paragraph): Feels intense, takes effort to read, and creates pressure to match the effort in a reply
• Just right (1-2 sentences): Shows effort without demanding it. Feels casual. Easy to respond to.

✅ Quick Check: Why is 40-90 characters the optimal first message length? (Short enough to feel casual and not create pressure, but long enough to show personality and give the other person something to respond to.)

Gender Differences in Messaging

The data shows an interesting asymmetry:

• 26% of men respond to any given message
• 16% of women respond to any given message
• But when women initiate, their messages are 25% more likely to get a response

The takeaway isn’t about who “should” message first. It’s that anyone who sends a thoughtful, specific first message has an advantage — because most messages are generic. The bar is low. Clearing it is easier than you think.

Using AI for First Messages

Prompt for generating openers:

“I matched with someone on [app]. Here’s what’s on their profile: [describe photos, bio, prompts]. Generate 5 first message options that are 1-2 sentences each, reference something specific from their profile, and are easy to respond to. Avoid compliments about appearance.”

Prompt for improving a draft:

“Here’s the first message I want to send: [your draft]. Rate it on three criteria: (1) cognitive ease — is it effortless to process? (2) low commitment — is it easy to reply without risk? (3) implicit reciprocity — does it create a pull to respond? Then suggest an improved version.”

Prompt for practicing conversation flow:

“I just sent this message on a dating app: [your message]. Simulate 3 possible replies they might send (one enthusiastic, one neutral, one short). For each, give me a good follow-up message that keeps the conversation going naturally.”

Common Mistakes

“I don’t know what to say.” That’s a sign you didn’t look at their profile carefully enough. Read their bio. Look at all their photos. Something there will spark a question or comment.

“I want to be original.” Originality is overrated. Specificity is underrated. A message that references their actual life is more memorable than a clever one-liner you found online.

“They didn’t respond so I sent another message.” If someone doesn’t respond to your first message, sending a second one rarely helps. It’s not personal — dating apps are overwhelming and most people match with more people than they can realistically talk to.

“I complimented their appearance and got no reply.” Appearance-based compliments from strangers feel generic at best and uncomfortable at worst. Compliment their taste, their bio, their interests — things that show you see them as a person.

Key Takeaways

• Top-performing messages share three traits: cognitive ease, low commitment, and implicit reciprocity
• Referencing their profile (“you mention”) boosts response rates by 50%
• Optimal length: 40-90 characters (1-2 sentences)
• Specificity beats originality — reference their actual life
• AI helps you brainstorm and refine, not write messages for you
• One unreplied message is normal. Don’t take it personally.

Up Next

They replied. The conversation is flowing. Now what? Next lesson: preparing for the first date — what to talk about, how to stay safe, and how to show up with confidence instead of anxiety.