Reading the Room: Red Flags & Green Flags

🔄 Quick Recall: Last lesson covered first date preparation — safety practices, research-backed conversation topics, and the power of self-disclosure. Now let’s sharpen your ability to read what’s happening beneath the surface.

The Gut Feeling You Keep Ignoring

You know that moment on a date when something feels slightly off but you can’t name it? They said something that made your stomach tighten. Or they did something considerate that made you relax in a way you didn’t expect.

Those signals matter. But raw instinct isn’t enough — because anxiety can feel like a red flag and infatuation can mask one. You need a framework.

The Four Horsemen (Gottman’s Warning System)

Psychologists John Gottman and Robert Levenson spent decades studying what predicts relationship success and failure. They identified four toxic communication patterns — the “Four Horsemen” — that can appear even in early dating:

1. Criticism

Not feedback or complaints — but attacking someone’s character.

Complaint (normal): “I felt hurt when you canceled our plans last minute”
Criticism (red flag): “You’re so inconsiderate. You never think about anyone but yourself”

On early dates, watch for how they talk about other people. If they describe their ex as “crazy,” their coworker as “useless,” and their waiter as “incompetent,” that critical lens will eventually turn toward you.

2. Defensiveness

Refusing to take responsibility. Deflecting blame. Making every issue someone else’s fault.

“It’s not my fault I was late — traffic was terrible and my alarm didn’t go off.”

Everyone has bad days. But a pattern of never owning mistakes is a sign. People who can say “You’re right, I should have left earlier” are demonstrating emotional maturity.

3. Contempt

The worst one. Treating someone as inferior. Eye-rolling, mockery, sarcasm that cuts.

Contempt is the single strongest predictor of relationship failure in Gottman’s research. On a date, it looks like: making fun of the waiter, mocking your music taste with genuine disdain, or dismissing your feelings with “you’re being dramatic.”

4. Stonewalling

Shutting down. Going silent. Withdrawing from conversation completely.

In early dating, stonewalling might look like: going cold after you bring up something uncomfortable, giving one-word answers when the topic gets real, or suddenly “having to leave” when the conversation deepens.

✅ Quick Check: Which of the Four Horsemen is the strongest predictor of relationship failure? (Contempt — treating a partner as inferior through mockery, eye-rolling, or dismissal.)

Red Flags in Digital Communication

Before you even meet in person, texting patterns reveal a lot.

Pattern	What It Signals	Action
Excessive intensity early on (love bombing)	Possible manipulation/control	Slow down. See if they respect your pace.
Never asks questions about you	One-sided interest	Stop carrying the conversation and see what happens.
Hot-and-cold messaging	Breadcrumbing	Recognize the pattern. It won’t improve.
Gets angry when you don’t reply fast	Controlling tendencies	Set a boundary. See how they respond to it.
Pushes to meet immediately	May not respect your comfort level	Take your time. Genuine interest is patient.
Won’t video call before meeting	Possible catfishing	Insist on a call. If they refuse, reconsider.

Research shows breadcrumbing — sending just enough attention to keep you interested without committing — is psychologically worse than ghosting because it keeps you in indefinite limbo. About 35% of dating app users have experienced it.

Green Flags (What to Look For)

Red flags get all the attention, but green flags matter just as much. These are the signs that someone is worth your time:

Reliability

They do what they say. If they say they’ll call at 8, they call at 8. If they say they’re excited about Saturday, they follow through. Words match actions consistently.

Emotional Intelligence

They can name their feelings. They can say “I was wrong” without making it a production. They don’t blow up over small things and they don’t pretend everything is fine when it isn’t.

Boundary Respect

They honor your pace. If you say “I’d rather not talk about that yet,” they don’t push. If you’re not ready for something physical, they don’t pressure. They set their own boundaries too — which is actually a green flag in itself.

Genuine Curiosity About You

They ask follow-up questions. They remember things you said last week. They’re interested in your opinions, not just waiting for their turn to talk.

The 5:1 Ratio

Gottman’s research found that stable, happy couples maintain a ratio of five positive interactions for every one negative one. In early dating, this means: the overall energy is warm, fun, and positive. Occasional friction happens, but it’s the exception, not the pattern.

✅ Quick Check: What is the 5:1 ratio and why does it matter? (Stable couples have five positive interactions for every negative one. In early dating, the overall vibe should be overwhelmingly positive with only occasional friction.)

Love Bombing vs. Genuine Interest

This is one of the hardest things to distinguish in early dating because love bombing feels amazing — at first.

Love Bombing	Genuine Interest
Excessive compliments from day one	Compliments that grow as they know you
Wants to be exclusive within days	Lets the relationship develop naturally
Gets upset when you’re busy	Understands you have a life
Floods you with texts/calls	Communicates consistently but not obsessively
Pushes for major commitments early	Takes things at a comfortable pace
Makes you feel guilty for boundaries	Respects your boundaries as information

The key question: Do they respond well when you slow things down? Someone genuinely interested will say “No rush, I’m enjoying getting to know you.” A love bomber will escalate, guilt-trip, or withdraw punishment-style.

Using AI for Pattern Recognition

Prompt for analyzing text patterns:

“Here’s a summary of how someone I’m dating communicates: [describe their texting patterns, behavior on dates, how they react when things don’t go their way]. Based on relationship psychology, are there any red flags I should pay attention to? Also point out any green flags.”

Prompt for gut-check conversations:

“I went on a date and something felt off but I can’t articulate it. Here’s what happened: [describe the date, specific moments, how you felt]. Help me figure out what my instinct was picking up on. Is this a red flag or just normal first-date awkwardness?”

When to Walk Away

Some things aren’t judgment calls. If any of these happen, the decision is made:

They lie about something significant (age, relationship status, having kids)
They pressure you physically after you’ve said no
They show up to a date intoxicated
They make you feel unsafe — for any reason, even one you can’t articulate
They react with rage to something minor

You don’t need to give someone a second chance to prove they’re unsafe. Trust your instincts. Leave.

Key Takeaways

Gottman’s Four Horsemen (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling) predict relationship failure — spot them early
Watch how they treat others: waiters, exes, coworkers. That’s how they’ll eventually treat you
Green flags: reliability, emotional intelligence, boundary respect, genuine curiosity, and a 5:1 positive ratio
Love bombing feels amazing but is followed by control — test by slowing things down
Breadcrumbing is psychologically worse than ghosting — recognize the pattern early
Some red flags are non-negotiable. Trust your gut and leave.

Up Next

The date happened. You’re home. Your phone is in your hand. Now the question that haunts everyone: when do you text them? And what do you say? Next lesson covers the art of the follow-up.