Giving Feedback That Lands

The Feedback Problem

🔄 Recall from the previous lesson how development plans identify gaps. Feedback is how you help people see those gaps in real-time. But most feedback fails to land.

Why? Because most people give feedback in a way that triggers defensiveness rather than reflection. The recipient hears criticism, gets defensive, and either argues or shuts down. Nothing changes.

Great coaches give feedback that creates “aha” moments instead of defensive reactions.

Why Feedback Fails

The usual approach:

“You need to be more assertive in meetings.”
“Your reports need improvement.”
“You should speak up more.”

Why it doesn’t work:

Too vague (what specifically should change?)
Feels like a personal judgment (who you ARE vs. what you DID)
No context (which meeting? which report?)
No path forward (how should they improve?)

The SBI Model

SBI (Situation, Behavior, Impact) is the most reliable feedback framework:

S — Situation

When and where did this happen? Be specific.

“In yesterday’s client meeting…”

B — Behavior

What exactly did the person do? Observable actions only. Not your interpretation.

“…when the client asked about timeline, you paused for about 10 seconds and then said ‘I’ll need to check on that.’”

I — Impact

What was the effect of that behavior? On you, the team, the client, the outcome.

“…the client seemed to lose confidence. After the meeting, they asked me separately if we were on track.”

Complete SBI example: “In yesterday’s client meeting, when the client asked about timeline, you paused for about 10 seconds and said you’d need to check. The client seemed to lose confidence and asked me separately afterward if we were on track.”

Then ask: “What’s your perspective on that moment?”

✅ Quick Check: Can you convert this vague feedback into SBI format? “You need to be better at presentations.” Think about what specific Situation, Behavior, and Impact you’d reference.

SBI for Positive Feedback

SBI works even better for positive feedback, which most people deliver poorly (“Great job!”):

“In this morning’s team standup, when you shared the customer feedback data with those clear visuals, the team immediately started brainstorming solutions. Your preparation turned a routine meeting into a productive strategy session.”

Specific positive feedback reinforces the exact behavior you want repeated.

Beyond the Sandwich

The feedback sandwich (positive-negative-positive) is popular but problematic:

Problem	Why
Predictable pattern	People brace for the negative when they hear positive
Diluted message	The critical feedback gets lost between compliments
Insincere positive	Praise feels manufactured when it’s only there to cushion
Confusing	Recipient doesn’t know what matters most

Better alternatives:

Direct with Care

Lead with the important feedback. Show you care about their growth.

“I want to share something because I think it’ll help you in your next presentation. [SBI feedback]. I bring this up because I’ve seen you do great work, and I want to help you showcase it better.”

Ask-Tell-Ask

Ask their perspective first: “How did you think the presentation went?”
Tell your observation: “[SBI feedback]”
Ask for their reaction: “What do you think about that?”

Feedforward (Future-Focused)

Instead of critiquing the past, suggest for the future:

“For your next client meeting, I’d suggest having the timeline details ready to share immediately. That would project confidence and keep the momentum going.”

Receiving Feedback as a Coach

Great coaches also model how to receive feedback well:

Listen fully — Don’t defend or explain while they’re talking
Thank them — “I appreciate you telling me this”
Clarify — “Can you give me an example of when that happened?”
Reflect — “Let me think about that and follow up”
Act — Make a visible change

AI Practice for Feedback Delivery

“I need to give feedback to an employee about [situation]. Their behavior was [description]. The impact was [description]. Help me frame this using the SBI model. Then role-play the conversation — you be the employee, and react realistically to my feedback. After each exchange, coach me on my delivery.”

“Generate 5 scenarios where I need to give constructive feedback. For each, provide the situation and behavior, and I’ll practice formulating the impact and delivery.”

Common Feedback Mistakes

Mistake	Why It’s Harmful	Fix
Waiting too long	Context is lost, behavior has repeated	Give feedback within 48 hours
Being vague	“Do better” gives no direction	Use SBI for specificity
Making it personal	“You’re disorganized” attacks identity	Focus on behavior: “The report was missing data”
Only giving negative	Creates anxiety around all feedback	Give positive SBI feedback 3x more often
Public delivery	Humiliates, creates resentment	Constructive feedback is always private
No follow-up	Nothing changes	Check in within a week

Building a Feedback Culture

As a coach or leader, you set the feedback culture:

Normalize feedback by:

Asking for feedback on yourself regularly
Giving positive SBI feedback frequently (not just when something goes wrong)
Framing feedback as development, not criticism
Following up on feedback you’ve given
Celebrating when someone acts on feedback

Exercise

Practice feedback delivery this week:

Give one piece of specific positive feedback using SBI
Prepare one piece of constructive feedback using SBI, then deliver it using Ask-Tell-Ask
Ask one person for feedback on your own work using a specific question (“How could I improve my meeting facilitation?”)

Key Takeaways

SBI (Situation, Behavior, Impact) keeps feedback specific and objective
The feedback sandwich is predictable and dilutes the message; use Direct with Care or Ask-Tell-Ask instead
Give positive feedback using SBI 3x more often than constructive feedback
Deliver constructive feedback within 48 hours, in private, focused on behavior not personality
Model good feedback reception by listening, thanking, clarifying, and acting
AI is a powerful practice partner for refining feedback delivery

Up next: In the next lesson, we’ll dive into Accountability and Follow-Through to ensure coaching conversations create lasting change.