Conflict Styles

Know Your Default

Everyone has a default approach to conflict—the style you fall into without thinking. Understanding yours is the first step to handling conflict intentionally instead of reactively.

By the end of this lesson, you’ll identify your default conflict style and know when to use each of the five approaches.

The Thomas-Kilmann Framework

The most widely used model for understanding conflict styles maps behavior on two axes:

• Assertiveness — How much you pursue your own concerns
• Cooperativeness — How much you try to satisfy the other person’s concerns

This creates five distinct styles:

High Assertiveness
        │
  Competing ────────────── Collaborating
        │                      │
        │      Compromising    │
        │          ●           │
        │                      │
  Avoiding ─────────────── Accommodating
        │
Low Assertiveness

Low Cooperativeness ──────── High Cooperativeness

The Five Styles

1. Competing (High Assertiveness, Low Cooperativeness)

Motto: “I win, you lose.”

You pursue your position firmly, sometimes at the other person’s expense.

Looks like: Standing your ground, arguing your case forcefully, using authority to decide.

When it works:

• Emergency situations requiring quick decisions
• Protecting against people taking advantage of you
• Standing firm on important principles or ethics

When it backfires:

• When you need ongoing cooperation from the other person
• When the relationship matters more than the issue
• When you might be wrong

2. Accommodating (Low Assertiveness, High Cooperativeness)

Motto: “You win, I’ll adapt.”

You set aside your own concerns to satisfy the other person.

Looks like: Giving in, deferring, agreeing even when you disagree.

When it works:

• When the issue matters more to them than to you
• When preserving the relationship is the top priority
• When you realize you’re wrong

When it backfires:

• When done habitually (leads to resentment)
• When important needs go unmet repeatedly
• When it enables poor behavior

3. Avoiding (Low Assertiveness, Low Cooperativeness)

Motto: “Let’s not deal with this.”

You sidestep the conflict entirely—change the subject, postpone, withdraw.

Looks like: Not responding to the email, saying “it’s fine,” leaving the room.

When it works:

• When the issue is genuinely trivial
• When emotions are too hot for productive conversation
• When you need time to gather information or think

When it backfires:

• When the issue festers and grows
• When others interpret avoidance as agreement or indifference
• When it becomes your default for everything

4. Compromising (Moderate Assertiveness, Moderate Cooperativeness)

Motto: “Let’s split the difference.”

Both parties give up something to reach a middle ground.

Looks like: Meeting halfway, trading concessions, finding a quick middle path.

When it works:

• When time is limited and a good-enough solution is needed
• When both parties have equal power
• As a temporary solution while working toward collaboration

When it backfires:

• When the compromise satisfies neither party well
• When creative solutions could give both parties more
• When it becomes lazy problem-solving

5. Collaborating (High Assertiveness, High Cooperativeness)

Motto: “Let’s find a solution that works for both of us.”

You work together to find an outcome that fully addresses both parties’ concerns.

Looks like: Exploring underlying needs, brainstorming options, creative problem-solving.

When it works:

• When both parties’ concerns are important
• When the relationship is long-term
• When creative solutions are possible

When it backfires:

• When time is very limited
• When the issue is trivial
• When one party isn’t willing to engage in good faith

✅ Quick Check: Which conflict style do you default to most often? Think of your last three disagreements. What pattern do you see?

Style Flexibility

The best conflict managers don’t have one style—they have five and choose deliberately based on the situation.

Identifying Others’ Styles

Recognizing the other person’s style helps you adapt:

They’re Competing: Don’t match aggression. Ask questions. Show you understand their position before presenting yours.

They’re Accommodating: Check if they’re genuinely okay. Ask directly: “Are you sure this works for you? I want to hear your real thoughts.”

They’re Avoiding: Name it gently. “I notice we haven’t discussed X. Can we set a time to talk about it?”

They’re Compromising: Consider whether a better solution exists before settling for the middle. “Before we split the difference, can we explore other options?”

They’re Collaborating: Match their energy. Invest the time. This usually produces the best outcomes.

Try It Yourself

Think of a current disagreement (work or personal). For each style, write one sentence about what you’d do:

1. Competing: “I would…”
2. Accommodating: “I would…”
3. Avoiding: “I would…”
4. Compromising: “I would…”
5. Collaborating: “I would…”

Now ask: Which response would produce the best outcome for this specific situation? That’s style flexibility in action.

Using AI to Practice

Try this prompt with any AI assistant:

“I’m in a conflict with a colleague about [describe situation]. Walk me through how I’d approach this using each of the five Thomas-Kilmann conflict styles (competing, accommodating, avoiding, compromising, collaborating). Then recommend which style fits best for this situation and why.”

AI excels at generating multiple perspectives quickly, helping you see options you might not consider on your own.

Key Takeaways

• Five conflict styles: Competing, Accommodating, Avoiding, Compromising, Collaborating
• No style is always right or always wrong—context determines the best choice
• Your default style is a habit, not a destiny—you can develop all five
• Flexibility is the goal: match your approach to the situation
• Recognizing others’ styles helps you adapt and find productive paths forward

Up Next

In Lesson 3: Active Listening, you’ll build the foundational skill that makes every conflict style more effective—truly hearing what the other person is saying and what they mean.