Mediation Basics

When Two People Need a Third

🔄 Quick Recall: In the previous lesson, we learned the OICE framework for having difficult conversations directly. Sometimes, though, two people can’t resolve things themselves—they need someone neutral to facilitate.

A manager comes to you. Two of your colleagues aren’t speaking. Productivity is dropping. The team feels the tension. Someone needs to help them work it out.

By the end of this lesson, you’ll know how to serve as an effective informal mediator for workplace conflicts.

When Mediation Is Needed

Mediation is appropriate when:

• Two people have tried and failed to resolve things directly
• The conflict is affecting team performance or morale
• Both parties are willing to participate (even reluctantly)
• The issue isn’t about policy violations (those go to HR)

Mediation is not appropriate when:

• There’s a power imbalance that makes one party unsafe
• The issue involves harassment or discrimination (use formal channels)
• One party has no intention of resolving anything
• A decision has already been made and isn’t negotiable

The Mediator’s Mindset

Before you facilitate, internalize these principles:

Neutrality. You don’t take sides. You don’t have an opinion about who’s right. You care about the process, not the outcome.

Curiosity. You’re genuinely interested in understanding both perspectives. Not judging them.

Patience. Resolution takes time. Rushing the process to get people “back to work” undermines the result.

Humility. You’re there to help them find their solution. Their agreement matters more than your idea of what’s fair.

The Mediation Process

Phase 1: Pre-Sessions (Individual Meetings)

Meet with each person separately for 15-20 minutes.

Goals:

• Understand their perspective without the other person present
• Identify the surface issue and underlying needs
• Assess their emotional state and willingness to engage
• Explain the mediation process and set expectations

Questions to ask:

• “What happened from your perspective?”
• “How has this affected you?”
• “What would a good resolution look like for you?”
• “Is there anything you need from me to feel safe in this conversation?”

What to listen for:

• Points of agreement (they usually exist)
• Underlying needs (respect, autonomy, fairness)
• Willingness to hear the other side
• Potential deal-breakers

Phase 2: Setting the Stage (Joint Session Opening)

Bring both parties together. Start by establishing the framework:

Ground rules:

1. One person speaks at a time
2. No interrupting
3. Speak about your own experience (I-statements)
4. Commitment to listening, not just waiting to respond
5. Everything said here stays here

Your opening: “Thank you both for being here. My role is to help you have a productive conversation—not to decide who’s right. I’ll make sure each of you gets heard. The goal is to find a path forward that works for both of you.”

✅ Quick Check: Why is it important to establish ground rules before the discussion begins?

Phase 3: Sharing Perspectives

Each person shares their perspective uninterrupted. You facilitate:

After Person A speaks:

• Paraphrase their key points
• Label emotions you observed
• Ask Person B: “What did you hear that resonated or surprised you?”

After Person B speaks:

• Same process
• Ask Person A: “What did you hear that was different from what you expected?”

This cross-reflection is where breakthroughs happen. People often discover the other person’s experience is quite different from what they assumed.

Phase 4: Identifying Common Ground

By now, you should hear overlapping concerns. Name them:

“It sounds like you both want clear communication about project changes.” “You both value each other’s expertise—the frustration is about how decisions get made.” “Neither of you wants this tension to continue.”

Common ground reframes the situation from “me vs. you” to “us vs. the problem.”

Phase 5: Generating Solutions

Shift from “what happened” to “what next.”

Ask both parties:

• “What would need to change for this to work going forward?”
• “What are you each willing to do differently?”
• “What agreements would prevent this from recurring?”

Guide the conversation toward specific, actionable agreements:

Not: “We’ll communicate better.” But: “We’ll have a 10-minute sync every Monday to align on the week’s priorities.”

Phase 6: Agreement and Follow-Up

Summarize what was agreed. Check that both parties confirm.

Key elements of a good agreement:

• Specific actions (who does what, by when)
• Measurable outcomes (how will you know it’s working?)
• Check-in schedule (when will you revisit this?)
• Escalation path (what happens if the agreement breaks down?)

Schedule a follow-up in 2 weeks to check progress.

Common Challenges

One person dominates. Gently interrupt: “I want to make sure we hear from both of you equally. [Name], what’s your perspective on what [other person] just shared?”

Someone shuts down. Take a break. Check in privately: “I noticed you went quiet. What’s happening for you right now?”

Emotions spike. Use de-escalation techniques from Lesson 4. “Let’s pause for a moment. This is an important conversation and I want us to be able to continue productively.”

No agreement is reached. That’s okay. Sometimes mediation clarifies positions even without resolution. “We haven’t found a solution today, but we’ve understood each other better. Let’s take some time to think and reconvene next week.”

Try It Yourself

Think of a conflict between two people you know (or create a hypothetical). Plan a mediation:

1. What would you ask each person in pre-sessions?
2. What ground rules would you set?
3. What common ground might exist?
4. What specific agreements could resolve the issue?

Key Takeaways

• Mediators facilitate—they don’t judge, decide, or take sides
• Individual pre-sessions build understanding before the joint conversation
• Establish ground rules before diving into the issues
• Cross-reflection (asking each person to reflect on what they heard) drives breakthroughs
• Good agreements are specific, measurable, and include follow-up dates
• Not every mediation produces agreement—and that’s okay

Up Next

In Lesson 7: Workplace Disputes, you’ll apply everything you’ve learned to the most common workplace conflict scenarios—from territorial turf wars to cross-functional friction.