Negotiation & Mediation

Negotiation is where the real work of divorce happens. Whether in mediation (a neutral third party facilitates), collaborative law (attorneys negotiate cooperatively), or direct negotiation — the preparation you bring determines the outcome you get.

🔄 Quick Recall: In the previous lesson, you designed your custody and co-parenting plan. Now you’ll prepare to negotiate ALL terms — custody, finances, property, and support — in a structured, strategic way.

Preparing for Mediation

Mediation Preparation Prompt

Help me prepare for divorce mediation:

Key issues to negotiate:
1. Property division: [house, retirement, other major assets]
2. Custody: [my preferred arrangement]
3. Child support: [relevant income details]
4. Spousal support/alimony: [if applicable]
5. Debt division: [major debts]

For each issue, help me define:
- My ideal outcome (what I want)
- My acceptable outcome (what I can live with)
- My bottom line (what I won't accept)
- My spouse's likely position (what they probably want)
- Creative alternatives (solutions neither of us has considered)
- What I'm willing to trade (where can I be flexible?)

The Interest-Based Approach

Effective negotiation focuses on interests, not positions.

Help me identify interests behind my divorce negotiation positions:

My positions (what I want):
1. [Position 1]
2. [Position 2]
3. [Position 3]

My spouse's likely positions:
1. [Position 1]
2. [Position 2]
3. [Position 3]

For each, identify:
- The underlying interest (WHY do they/I want this?)
- 2-3 alternative ways to satisfy that interest
- Potential trades (I care more about X, they care more about Y)

Drafting Settlement Proposals

Proposal Prompt

Help me draft a settlement proposal outline:

My priorities (ranked):
1. [Most important issue]
2. [Second priority]
3. [Third priority]

Financial summary:
- Total marital assets: ~$[amount]
- Total marital debts: ~$[amount]
- My income: $[amount]/year
- Spouse's income: $[amount]/year
- Children: [ages]

Draft a proposal that:
1. Addresses all major issues (property, custody, support, debts)
2. Explains the reasoning behind each position
3. Includes 1-2 concessions I'm willing to make
4. Uses neutral, professional language
5. Focuses on children's wellbeing where relevant

Note: This is for my preparation only — my attorney
will review before anything is presented formally.

✅ Quick Check: You’ve identified that you care most about custody and your spouse cares most about keeping the house. How can you use this? (Answer: This is a natural trade. Offer flexibility on the house in exchange for your preferred custody arrangement. Interest-based negotiation works when each party values different things — you’re not fighting over the same item, you’re trading things you value differently. AI can help you structure the trade so both sides feel they got what mattered most.)

What to Expect in Mediation

Before the session:

• Review all financial documents and your preparation materials
• Know your priorities, acceptable outcomes, and bottom lines
• Prepare specific proposals, not just complaints
• Discuss strategy with your attorney (if you have one)

During the session:

• Listen before responding — understanding your spouse’s position helps you negotiate
• Take notes on proposals and counter-proposals
• Ask for breaks when you need time to think
• Don’t agree to anything on the spot you’re not sure about — “I need to think about that” is always acceptable

After the session:

• Review any tentative agreements with your attorney
• Document what was agreed and what remains unresolved
• Prepare for follow-up sessions on outstanding issues

Practice Exercise

1. Use the mediation prep prompt to define your ideal, acceptable, and bottom-line positions on the 3 most important issues
2. For each of your spouse’s likely positions, identify the underlying interest and brainstorm 2 creative alternatives
3. Draft a settlement proposal outline — even if mediation is months away, this exercise clarifies your priorities

Key Takeaways

• Focus on interests, not positions — “I want stability for the children” opens more solutions than “I want the house”
• Define your ideal, acceptable, and bottom-line outcomes for every issue before mediation — never negotiate without knowing your own limits
• Compare assets by long-term value, not face value — a $300,000 house costs money to maintain while a $300,000 retirement account grows
• Calculate the cost of litigation before rejecting a mediation outcome — fighting for “fairness” can cost more than the unfairness
• Prepare specific proposals, not just complaints — mediators help people find solutions, not listen to grievances
• Never agree to anything on the spot — “I need to think about that” protects you from emotional decisions

Up Next

In the next lesson, you’ll focus on the part of divorce that doesn’t show up in legal documents — emotional wellbeing and communication strategies that help you get through the process without letting it define you.