Maintaining and Strengthening Relationships

The Relationship You Forgot to Water

In the previous lesson, we explored conflict resolution frameworks. Now let’s build on that foundation. The strongest relationships don’t die from conflict. They die from neglect.

You know this intuitively. Think of a friendship you used to have – someone you were genuinely close to five or ten years ago. You didn’t have a fight. Nobody wronged anyone. You just… stopped. Stopped calling. Stopped making plans. Stopped prioritizing each other. One day you realized you hadn’t talked in eight months and it felt too awkward to reach out.

The same thing happens in romantic relationships, family bonds, and even close friendships that are currently active. Not a dramatic ending – a slow fade. You’re so busy managing crises that you forget to water the plants that aren’t wilting yet.

This lesson is about watering the plants.

The 5:1 Ratio

Researcher John Gottman’s most famous finding: stable, happy couples maintain at least a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. For every criticism, disagreement, or frustration, there are five moments of appreciation, affection, humor, interest, or support.

This doesn’t mean counting interactions on a scorecard. It means the emotional climate of the relationship is overwhelmingly positive, with negative moments being exceptions rather than the norm.

What counts as a positive interaction?

• A genuine compliment (“That meal was amazing”)
• Physical affection (a hug, a touch on the shoulder)
• Showing interest (“How did that meeting go?”)
• Humor and shared laughter
• Small acts of kindness (making their coffee)
• Active listening when they share something
• Expressing gratitude (“Thanks for handling that”)
• Turning toward their bids for connection (responding to “look at this!” with genuine attention)

What counts as negative?

• Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling
• Dismissing their feelings or experience
• Ignoring bids for connection (scrolling your phone when they try to share something)
• Sarcasm directed at them
• Taking them for granted

Quick check: If you honestly assessed your most important relationship right now, what’s the ratio? Is it closer to 5:1 or 1:1?

The Appreciation Habit

Appreciation is the highest-return investment in any relationship. And most of us dramatically under-express it.

Here’s why: we think appreciation and feel gratitude all the time. We just don’t say it out loud. You think “They’re so thoughtful for making dinner” but say nothing. You notice they picked up the dry cleaning but don’t mention it. You feel lucky to have them but never tell them.

The gap between felt gratitude and expressed gratitude is where relationships start to erode.

I want to build a daily appreciation practice for my [relationship type].
Here are things I appreciate about this person but rarely say:

- [Thing 1]
- [Thing 2]
- [Thing 3]
- [Thing 4]
- [Thing 5]

Help me:
1. Turn each of these into a specific, genuine appreciation statement
   I can say to them (not generic -- specific to what they do)
2. Suggest 5 additional things I might not be noticing that are worth appreciating
3. Create a simple daily practice I can sustain (not a grand gesture,
   just a habit)
4. Write a "reasons I appreciate you" message I could give them for
   a special occasion

The key to appreciation is specificity. “You’re great” is nice but forgettable. “I noticed you reorganized the whole pantry while I was at work. That took real effort and it makes cooking so much easier. Thank you.” That lands differently.

Bids for Connection

Gottman identified “bids for connection” as small, everyday moments where one person reaches out for the other’s attention, affection, or engagement:

“Hey, look at this funny video.” “I had a rough day.” “Have you heard about this new restaurant?” “Want to go for a walk?”

Each bid is a small test of the relationship. You can respond by:

Turning toward (engaging): “Oh, let me see!” or “Tell me about your day.” Turning away (ignoring): [continues scrolling phone] Turning against (rejecting): “I’m busy. Can you not interrupt me?”

Couples who turn toward bids 86% of the time are still together after six years. Couples who turn toward only 33% of the time are divorced.

These aren’t grand gestures. They’re micro-moments that add up to the emotional foundation of a relationship.

I think I might be missing my [partner's/friend's/family member's] bids
for connection. They often:
- [Describe what they do: share articles, suggest activities, make jokes,
  tell you about their day, etc.]

And I usually respond by:
- [Your typical response: genuine engagement, half-attention, or dismissal]

Help me:
1. Identify which of these are bids for connection I'm not recognizing
2. Suggest better "turning toward" responses for each
3. Identify bids I might be making that THEY'RE missing
4. Create a week-long challenge to turn toward more consistently

Quick check: What’s the most common bid for connection your partner or closest person makes? How do you usually respond?

Maintaining Friendships

Romantic relationships get all the attention, but friendships need maintenance too. And adults are terrible at maintaining friendships.

The research says adults need ongoing, unplanned interaction to build and maintain close friendships. But adult life is scheduled, structured, and busy. You don’t bump into your college friends in the dining hall anymore.

I have [number] friendships I value but have been neglecting. They are:

1. [Name]: [How you know them, when you last connected, what you used to do together]
2. [Name]: [Same]
3. [Name]: [Same]

Help me:
1. Create a realistic reconnection plan for each (not a grand gesture --
   something small and doable)
2. Write a natural-sounding reach-out message for each that acknowledges
   the gap without making it awkward
3. Suggest an easy recurring ritual for each friendship
   (monthly call, quarterly lunch, annual trip)
4. Identify which friendships might need more than a text -- and why

The “acknowledges the gap without making it awkward” part is crucial. “Hey, I know it’s been ages, and I was just thinking about you. How are things?” works far better than a lengthy guilt-laced apology for losing touch.

The Check-In Conversation

Healthy relationships benefit from periodic check-ins – conversations about the relationship itself, not just the logistics of life.

Help me plan a relationship check-in conversation with my [partner/friend/family member].

We haven't intentionally talked about "us" in [time period].
Things that are going well: [list]
Things I'm a little concerned about: [list]
Something I want more of: [what]
Something I want to appreciate: [what]

Create a check-in conversation guide that:
1. Starts with appreciation (what's going well)
2. Gently raises concerns as growth areas, not complaints
3. Includes questions we can ask each other
4. Ends with specific commitments for the next month
5. Feels natural, not clinical -- like a conversation, not a performance review

Suggested check-in questions:

• “What’s one thing I’ve done recently that made you feel loved?”
• “What’s one thing you wish I did more of?”
• “Is there anything you’ve been wanting to tell me but haven’t?”
• “What can I do better?”
• “What should we do more of together?”

Small Gestures, Big Impact

Research consistently shows that small, frequent gestures of connection outperform grand, rare gestures. A daily text saying “thinking of you” builds more connection than an annual extravagant birthday surprise.

Generate 30 small gestures of connection I can do over the next month
for my [partner/friend/family member].

Their love language (if known): [words of affirmation, acts of service,
physical touch, quality time, receiving gifts]
What they care about: [interests, stressors, goals]
Our daily routine: [brief description]

Requirements:
- Nothing that costs more than $10
- Nothing that takes more than 15 minutes
- A mix of spontaneous and planned
- At least 10 that require no advance preparation
- Specific to this person, not generic relationship advice

Navigating Social Situations

Strong relationships also involve social skills – navigating gatherings, meeting new people, and showing up for your partner’s or friend’s social needs:

I have [specific social situation coming up] and I'm feeling [anxious/
unprepared/uncomfortable].

Context: [What's the event, who'll be there, what's expected]

Help me:
1. Prepare 5 conversation starters appropriate for this setting
2. Plan an exit strategy if I get overwhelmed
3. Identify one way I can support my [partner/friend] socially
4. Prepare responses for 3 likely awkward questions
5. Set a realistic goal for the event (not "be the life of the party"
   but something achievable like "have two genuine conversations")

Exercise: The Relationship Investment Plan

For your top three relationships, create a maintenance plan:

1. Daily habit: One small gesture of connection per day (text, compliment, question)
2. Weekly ritual: One intentional moment together per week (walk, meal, call)
3. Monthly check-in: One conversation about the relationship itself
4. Quarterly gesture: One meaningful experience or gift that shows deep attention
5. Annual reflection: One conversation about the year: what was great, what to do better

Start with one relationship and one habit. Expand from there.

Key Takeaways

• Relationships die from neglect more often than conflict – water them before they wilt
• The 5:1 positive-to-negative ratio predicts relationship stability
• Turn toward bids for connection – these micro-moments are the foundation of closeness
• Express appreciation specifically and often – felt gratitude is invisible until spoken
• Small, frequent gestures beat grand, rare ones for building lasting connection

Next up: your capstone – building a personalized relationship communication toolkit you can use for every important relationship in your life.